Love and (early) marriage?: My response to "The Case for Early Marriage" in Christianity Today

Trust me. This topic is not some vain attempt to get people to read my blogs (or is it?). I was reading the recent issue of Christianity Today (August 2009) which had a cover article entitled "The Case for Early Marriage" so I immediately became intrigued and read the piece. I know people (myself included) who have been known to poke fun at or mock couples who have gotten married rather young. Of course, I'm dumb for mocking them because what do I know about marriage? Not much. I just find it sort of odd that people might get married, say, before age 20 or even right out of college at age 22.

My thinking was rather rational. I have read scientific studies that say the male brain, on average, really doesn't mature until about age 25. I know what some of you ladies are saying, "Well, I know a guy whose 40 and..." Yes, we all know guys who are forty who are...well...maturation challenged.

The thinking goes deeper. Should we really consider marrying someone when we really don't know who we are yet? In other words with the way our society is setup, can we really know ourselves right after graduating college before we even jump into a career or join the "real world" (whatever the hell that is?) When do we truly "know ourselves"? What rite of passage do we need to travel through?

This article in Christianity Today was written by a sociologist at the University of Texas named Mark Regnerus. Indeed, he states he has gotten quite a bit of crap for his position of advocating for earlier marriages. He states: "..after years of studying the sexual behavior and family decision-making of young Americans, I've come to the conclusion that Christians have made much ado about sex (remember all those youth group abstinence talks) but are becoming slow and lax about marriage- the more significant, enduring witness to Christ's sacrificial love for His bride. Americans are taking flight from marriage. We are marrying later, if at all, and having fewer children." (pg. 23)

His primary reason for wanting earlier marriages appears to be to eliminate sexual tension in Christian young people. The assumption here is that if someone truly does love Christ and wants to live for Him, they will want to follow His commands (John 14:15) and remain chaste until marriage. The average marriage age of women in the United States is 26. For men, it is 28 (and I'm now 29 and past that). The author compares these statistics to 1970: the average age for marriage back then was 21 for women and 23 for men.

Looking at these stats, the dilemma is quite obvious. Christian people who are striving to follow Christ and hopefully trying to remain pure in their single life are waiting longer to get married. In doing so, they are going through the most intense time in their lives as far as sex drive is concerned. Scientists routinely identify that hormonally, a man's sex drive is more powerful from 18-24 than it will be the rest of his life. Most Christian guys are going through this period being single.

The apostle Paul has a rather interesting instruction in 1 Corinthians 7:8-9, "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." This seems like Paul is saying something similar to the author of the article. If one really wants to have sex, they should get married. However, it is important to understand the context of this passage. Many Biblical scholars have postulated that the apostle Paul believed that the return of Christ is coming very soon as in before he would die. I don't know if this is true but later on in the passage, Paul does talk about this "present crisis" (v.26) and for my money, the crisis is that Christians were being burnt at the stake in Nero's garden parties. In other words, why be focused on marriage when persecution is heavy and we may all die soon? Many have interpreted 1 Corinthians 7 as Paul downgrading marriage. I think he does no such thing.

Having said all of this, is the instruction really helpful to tell young people to get married so they can have sex? I'm assuming as a 29 year old guy knowing nothing about marriage that marriage is a whole lot more than sex. Ha! Probably safe to say, right?

This is perhaps my main objection to the article although I will put myself in the category of certainly understanding the author's point. To be clear, he is not saying sex is the only reason to marry young but he definitely argues that this would help the sexual tension in believers who are seeking to follow the Lord.

He identifies objections to young marriage in the article and offers his thoughts. I will summarize the points and add my questions/thoughts:

1) Economic insecurity. I think this is an important factor for sure and one that is touted often. Biblically, a guy and girl should be concerned about how they would potentially provide for a family. Then again, there are many people who marry in poverty and have wonderful marriages. How much money does one need in order to be ready for marriage?

2) Immaturity. I already touched on this one earlier in my blog but here is my thought now: Who is EVER ready for marriage? Who is EVER as mature as they can be for marriage? We are all constantly growing, learning, repenting and so on. How do you know that you are ready when you are probably never going to feel ready or as ready as you want to be?

3) A poor match. Compatibility is important and people against earlier marriages again cite this reason as a case against it. Does a person really know who they want to spend the rest of their life with at 20? How about 22? But then again, how about 30? Marriage is a commitment no matter what age a person is at the time of marriage. My friend Jake Wilkinson (who is married) says that "Love is a learned response to commitment over time". I like that quote.

Whether we agree with an article like this or not, I think we can all agree that the piece argues a provocative topic. Why do many of us delay marriage for so long? I can certainly ask this of myself and there are many reasons as to why I'm single. Are we holding out for good reasons? Maybe we are looking to get economically stable which may not be a bad thing. Maybe God is working with us on things about our character and there are sins we would like to conquer before thinking about marriage.

I would like to think that a lot of us have good reasons but I suspect (including myself) that more often than not, our reasons may wade into selfish territory. Perhaps a lot of us have unrealistic expectations. This is defined as us demanding a member of the opposite sex be a certain way (more often than not- physically) before we would consider dating them. Maybe we have let a very self-indulgent culture contribute to our own thinking and we avoid commitment because we don't want to be sacrificial. We like our single lives and refuse to consider drastically changing our lives to include someone else.

Of course, we can't judge others because these matters are all about the heart. People can marry at any age, within the will of God, and it certainly is clear that people can be happy (or miserable) after marrying at any age. Most of our reasons are probably very complex and I guess that's why I wanted to write this blog. To explore the issues/thoughts/dilemmas that may keep some of us from settling down.

Also, this entire blog is written with the full knowledge that singleness and marriage are both good things. One is not better than the other. God values singleness but He also, clearly, values marriage by providing Adam and Eve (thereby the rest of us) with this gift.